a drink that doesn't quench

Alcohol is a drink that doesn't quench. No matter what it's perceived possible benefits are, it never seems to do the job. For instance, when something great happens, and i call in the alcohol artillery to help me celebrate, the end result will be either an evening romancing the toilet, an entire night spent in the shower with a gatorade bottle for a pillow, or someone's face getting punched. There are other terrible outcomes for situations where it actually starts out bad...for those times when the drinks are called in to erase a problem, the possible outcomes include kitchen fires, drunk dialing, and face punching. The problem here is that no matter the original situation, pre-alcohol, the situation post alcohol will blow. Face punching attacks can be the result of celebrating OR self-medicating. There's no predicting what will go on after 6 drinks. I might attempt to fly off of the edge of the second story porch with a running start, or I might decide i'm hungry and cook one single penne noodle, mistaking my "quadruple vision" for an entire pot full. There are times when everything goes smoothly, but if you can't predict when these times will be, you're just rolling the dice with 5 bad sides. Those are worse odds than a card table at a casino. With odds like that, there's only one thing to do....quit playing the game.