the rescue

Co-dependency is believing that you have the power to change someone else. It is thinking that you can save someone else from his or her own demons. It starts out innocently enough, but in the end, results in putting the wants and needs of others before those of your own. That may not even sound too bad to some of us, but here's the flaw in this. If you are always worried about others, and taking care of others, who is taking care of you? How can you be sure that someone is? Doesn't it just make more sense for each individual to be responsible for him or herself? From a logical perspective, this is entirely sensical: however, in the midst of the complicated specifics of life, I must admit that I can't see it clearly. Sometimes it feels like you CAN save others. Sometimes it feels like you HAVE TO.
Two years ago, I saw my Dad step dangerously close to death, and experience a psychotic break. I dropped everything. I quit my job and bought a one-way ticket to the town I grew up in. I arrived to find a scene more horrific than I could ever have imagined; he was amaciated, crying uncontrollably constantly, and had nail-puncture wounds covering his forearms. He had a plan, and a gun, and wanted to die. I took power of attorney, forced him into the psychiatric wing of the hospital, and ultimately attempted to force him to continue living. Ten days later, he left the hospital, and came home. At first he went to counseling, and it seemed like he wanted to change his situation, but then he went less and less often to his appointments. He quit taking his prescription meds. I made the decision to move closer to him for a while. I dragged my husband across the country to do this. We lived a couple hours away for almost an entire year. He never visited, despite my constant asking. So I visited him. There was no food in the house. Only alcohol. He started drinking by 10 or 11 am everyday. I took away his ability to choose death when I made him promise not to harm himself, but I couldn't make him want to LIVE. I still can't. There is nothing authentic about imposing my needs and desires on others. It wasn't his desire, and it's that simple. I always heard a saying about this when I was growing up, but I never understood the painful implications of it until now: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. How do you know what to do in times like these? Do you take care of yourself? Do you try to focus on the fact that you can't change other people? Or do you fight as hard as you can even though you know the truth about your limitations? What is the right thing to do? What if you are laying on the ground with your arm reaching as far as it can into the black hole, and you still can't grasp the other person's hand? Or maybe you do grasp it finally, but you know you're just holding on, because you don't have the power to actually lift him out of the hole. How do you know when you've done your best? How do you accept that you do not have the power to save someone else? How do you accept your limitations when it's your Dad or your best friend you're trying to change? Is it better to have fought your life away in battles that aren't your own, or to deal with the regret of feeling like you did nothing to help? Where the hell is the middle ground?