purpose

For ages, my existence was governed by ideas that held me back. Fascinating new projects could not be embarked upon for fear of failure. Ideas could not be shared with others for fear of ridicule. New skills could not be developed because I was not a virtuoso. There was a basic theme in my life that I lived by for so very long: if you aren't Jimi Hendrix in the first moment, you never will be. I once bought a guitar after dreaming that I could play, and realized about 2 days later, after my warm-up period expired, that there was no skill already in me. Duh. I can see how that's obvious now, but at the time, it wasn't. I was devastated. I could have learned to play guitar, but that seemed dumb when I still hadn't even figured out what I was excellent at. The search for excellence continued. I went through a degree in printmaking, and a minor in mathematics still in search of my secret excellent skill. I spent 10 years as a professional baker, feeling like it came naturally to me, yet I still wasn't a virtuoso. I took some time off. I was burnt out. I was uninspired to create art anymore after suffering the bureaucracy of the collegiate system. Three years came and went. I gave up. I lived without creative comparisons and pressures. During that time, my life changed drastically. I fell in love, got married, and moved several times. All of a sudden, I felt inspired again. One day I went to the art supply store and bought some acrylic paints and a canvas. I wasn't Jimi Hendrix, so to speak, but I had fun with it, and it felt good. It dawned on me that I was good at plenty of things. Maybe I wasn't the very best at any of it, but I could do lots of different things. In the search for my secret excellent skill I had found a lot of interests and my life had become fulfilling in so many ways. I may not have super powers, and I'm definitely not Jimi Hendrix, but I'm me, and that's exactly who I'm supposed to be.